If you are reading this, then you have
fallen deep into those dark thoughts again and stared to freak out. You’re
feeling sad, anxious, scared, lost, alone. You don’t understand what is
happening or why. You are probably laying in bed right now not knowing when the
last time you left the house was. Your thoughts are going down a negative path
and your cheeks are soaking wet with tears. Or even worse, you are numb to
emotions and feel nothing anymore.
I know that you never imagined that you’d
end up here. You had big plans and bigger dreams, and this was something you
never saw coming. It was silent, sneaky. It crawled up on your life like a snake
going in for the kill. You didn’t see what was happening until you were in too
deep you couldn’t get out. But I want to remind you of a few things.
No one thinks less of you because you
struggle with this. Even when it might seem that you are more alone than ever
before, you have the support of a family who loves you endlessly and friends
who love you crazy. There is an army of people behind you, ready to fight the
battle with you until the very end.
Remember how blessed you are. I know that
it’s hard to wake up in the morning and put a smile on your face for family and
friends. Your body feels heavy, and life seems hopeless and impossible. But you
are not a failure. You have a life that so many dream of, and the potential to
do amazing things. Use it.
You might call yourself crazy for the
thoughts that you have, for the way you cope with this illness, but if you’re
going to think of something crazy, think of the insane amount of courage it
takes to fight this everyday. Think of the obstacles that you overcome with the
smallest of victories. Every smile is a thing of wonder, every day without cuts
is cause for celebration, every second that you live to see is miraculous and beautiful.
The world would not be better without you
in it. There is no laugh like yours, your voice cannot be replicated, your
smile is breathtakingly unique and it’s made to fit your face. No one thinks in
exactly the same way, or loves the same things. There is no other you, and
there will never be another you for all eternity. You were placed here by a
perfect and unfailing God for a divine and beautiful purpose; you are fearfully
and wonderfully made.
I know the darkness is closing in. First, a
dulling of color, the world seeming less vibrant than it used to be. Then,
muddled variants of grey as the haze of depression engulfs you whole. Finally,
black. A darkness so deep you cannot see in front of you, or behind. You feel
lost. Thoughts flood your mind, telling you that you are not good enough,
reminding you of all of your mistakes and failures.
Those thoughts are lies. They are a trap.
They pull you in so that you obsess over them, so that you sink lower and give
up. They make you sad and the anxiety spins out of control. It becomes your
reality. The thoughts that haunt you only pull you down further.
Best advice I can give you is to get your
thoughts out. Write them, talk them out with someone you can rely on. Don’t
ruminate, don’t sit there on the couch locked in your thoughts. That leads to
panic attacks, to deeper depression, to a world of negativity. Start doing the
things you love, draw, paint , listen to music, go out with friends and try to
Don’t get discouraged if you don’t feel the
weight lifting quickly. It will not happen right away and overnight, but it
does get better, I promise you Andie. I know that sounds cliché, but it’s true.
The darkness will lift, fade to grey, and then the brightness will fill your
life again so just Keep fighting.